I wear green

It's funny that it started as a fluke, an unconscious thing I did before our very first IEP meeting for Hudson. He had just turned 3 and we were transitioning from Infant Toddler Services (ITS) of JoCo to Olathe Public Schools. I was a nervous wreck. I had no idea what this was or what to expect. I didn't know the first thing about advocating for my son or what our rights were. I was on the defensive. More determined to keep him OUT of services than to get him the help he needed. Truth is, I felt it a reflection of me. This full-time mom gig, my "new job" and in my eyes, I was failing at it. With a hubs on the road the majority of the time, and two busy little ones, a shower and actual clothes were for monumental events and this was one of those. I had scrambled to put myself together and marched anxiously into the meeting carrying our 6 mo old Chach trying to corral little moppy-haired Hud.

The meeting was a blur. The kids climbed all over me while I tried to pay attention to what was being said. Hudson was digging in my purse as I tried to keep him busy, then regretted all the things he started pulling out. Charli spilled water all over the floor by knocking over my cup, then dumped strawberry puffs, then a leaky sippy poured milk down the front of her. By the end the floor was a mess of crumbs, sticky goo and everyone wreaked of milk, strawberries and all 3 of us were in tears.

There were a lot of words I didn't understand, concepts that seemed confusing and despite a law degree still felt sadly unprepared for the discussion.

"Green." I remember as they talked about his evaluation and talked about that word. It was one of the few words he could say somewhat intelligibly and one he said a LOT. They talked about his love of the color and how he lit up when someone understood his attempts to communicate. I looked down at my shirt and felt a pit in my stomach. My sweet, sweet boy was so much more than his limited vocabulary, so much more than just the color he loved.

The next IEP meeting I did it again unknowingly, this time deciding I wasn't going to these alone again, we were more prepared with a sitter and Barks took me by the hand. They talked about some of the behavior struggles he had over getting to sit on the green square or being handed the green blocks and how much he loved green. As we left that meeting I remember the tears that fell in the car worried about what the future held and praying for answers as we navigated a world of which we had no knowledge.

We all have our struggles; some we keep more private, like I had for so long, hating the labels of "special needs" and "additional services." I don't pretend there aren't MUCH worse things out there to battle, but when it is your child, your love, everything they experience seems SO much bigger.

And while those first few times I did it subconsciously, as I got dressed today for our meeting I intentionally picked out another green blouse; reminding me of how far we have all come in this journey, and how much we have learned and grown along the way.

This has been a journey I prayed so many prayers for God to take from our plates, details of which I hid from sharing to even those closest to me because they didn't quite "fit" with the highlight reels we want others to see. It didn't show the "perfect mom" I always imagined I would be: with the super bright kiddos, in my clean house, not having meltdowns just trying to be heard.

I'm so grateful I see it differently now. These struggles, this road has been such an integral part of the beautiful heart and compassion our sweet son has for others, his patience and acceptance of those who are different, and his protective nature of a kind big brother who takes it upon himself to report to the school counselor when he doesn't believe his sister is being treated right. It's the kind soul that cries at movies, tells his mommy she's pretty when he can tell she's had a rough day, and gives the kind of bear hugs that instantly make all the bad stuff go away. It's the boy that writes books about "Rainbow World" for his little sister and checks out books about Unicorns for her at the library. It's the heart that writes cards that say, "you are the love of my life" and stories about the people that make his day. It's this journey that not only has softened his heart and brightened his perspective on this world, but has shined a light for our entire family of what really matters to all of us.

It's this journey that led me on a mission to help restore my patience and my energy, that drove me to find a way to work from home and be that mom that's able to attend school parties, and be the first and last person they see as my loves head off for school. It's the journey that led us to discover an opportunity that would bring their daddy home to us, and create a life on our terms making memories. It's this very journey I tried to pray away that has become so much of what I love about our lives and so much of what makes us, US.

Barkers Together isn't just a cutesy name for a blog, it was a phrase first coined by sweet Hudson who couldn't quite retrieve the word "family" he was looking for. And yet, it fits pretty perfectly. These two words have become a mantra, a vision for our future. Together is the goal, wherever that may be, whatever we may be doing. We are happiest together. And together we can accomplish and overcome insurmountable odds.

Today, I wear green, and appreciate the all of the amazing people, events and tools that have helped us in this journey and will continue to. Today I look down at the tear stained shirt and see different kinds of tears: those of joy, gratitude, vulnerability, and hope.

What a difference time and perspective can make. We all have our stories. I'd love to hear yours.