Success

"Success is liking yourself, liking what you do, and liking how you do it."
- Maya Angelou

Lately, I have felt like less than a success as a mom. I guess we all have those days, those moments in time where we wonder what in the world we are doing. Am I really the best person for this job? I pride myself in having a good work ethic, something I learned from my parents, but in working everywhere else, I've never really quite wondered if I was the right person. I was getting paid, and working as hard as I could, and so, there really didn't seem to be any better person. I was it. I was confident in that.

Being a mom, is a completely different story.

Hudson is going through a transition from 2 naps to 1, all while eye teeth are attempting to come through and as a little person he is exploring his autonomy. He wants to test boundaries, find out what they are, and while I know it's all just part of him learning and growing, sometimes, it's hard to remember he's just learning. It really isn't an attack at me.

Yesterday, as he was fighting his morning nap, it was a beautiful day and so I decided to take our walk early. We set out with the iPhone blaring our new favorite station on Pandora, "Backyardigans." Hudson had his sunscreen, his ice water and his hat. We followed our usual walk route playing our pointing game. "Hudson, point to the trees." "Very good. Can you point to the flowers?" "Hooray! You did it." He turned to me and smiled a big sweet dimply smile.

Suddenly, I stopped. There just 100 feet from us was Goddard School, the first facility we had visited in our hunt for Hud care. I heard the happy squeals of children playing on the astroturf playground. Hudson too, heard the kids, smiled and squealed back at them. I continued walking, playing the pointing game, but then I started talking to Hudson about that place we had just seen.

I told him how we had visited there when he was still in my tummy. How we wanted to find an extra special place for him to learn and grow while mommy and daddy were away at work. I told him how wonderful the facility was, how mommy really liked all of the opportunities for him there. He would learn sign language, and do baby yoga. He would have enrichment opportunities, be exposed to foreign languages, and even take field trips!

Then I told him how daddy never liked it there. Daddy thought the very best place for Hudson was with mommy all of the time so that we could grow and learn together in our very own special home. I told him that's why daddy works so hard. That's why daddy can't always be with us. Daddy thought it was so important that he sacrifices all he does just so mommy can be with Hudson.

Tears filled my eyes and I realized, we may not have baby yoga, or speak 10 languages at our house, I may not feel as though I am always the best person for the job, but someone very special, someone who loves Hudson more than anything, thought, and still thinks I'm the best person for the job. It may not be the accolades some need, or the vision of success I had once envisioned for my life, but things change. I love myself as a mom, and although I may not always love the way I do it, I love what I do.

And knowing, that 99% of what Hudson knows and has learned has come from me, is a pretty amazing feeling.

Then again, if it goes wrong, I'm the one to blame. I did, however, leave myself a 1% window I can blame elsewhere... (I do still think like a lawyer after all!)