Crabs

****in my craziness this didn't get posted, but was written on Wednesday morning at 5am) 

I'm up early.  Well, maybe I'm up late. I'm at the point of tossing and turning all night when you finally give your spouse some peace and get up for the day.  

My heart is heavy.  My mind is whirling.  I've never been good with change.  My sign is cancer, the crab. For us crabs, our shells are our worlds.  Let us keep our nice, peaceful home and loves and we're fine.  We will scurry along the sand and you'll never notice. But, take our babies from our tight pincher grasp to start at 2 separate new schools, put all our belongings in boxes, and start having someone new's mail sent to OUR house?  Well then, you have one freaked out crab! 

The last 2 nights have been full of meeting teachers and seeing classrooms.  First up was Charli and she handled it like a champ.  She was her usual outgoing, fearless self.  She introduced herself proudly, with her full name, of course. "I'm Charli Brooke Barker."  (Which you can't convince me isn't her sweet  Aunt Brooke wanting to make her influence known at every turn :) Charli didn't miss a beat exploring her classroom and meeting new friends.  She buzzed about her new room with a confidence and cheerfulness that had me with no doubt she would be just fine.  

Whew.  One down.  This would be no problem, right? 

Yesterday started with a bang. Poor Barks was up in the 3:00 hour (yes, AM!) for a day trip to St. Louis.  After he left I had appointments with movers,  more packing, last minute school shopping, more phone calls, then Hudson's meet the teacher night.  Solo.  Just me and the kids.  

It's no secret Barks balances me out, not to mention it's always easier with help.  But last night I was on my own.  Hudson was super excited.  He even requested a shower right before to "look really nice." 

He picked out a non-character shirt and non-athletic shorts, both oddities, and asked me to comb and put product in his hair.  As he said, he really did look like one "handsome comet!" 

We got there early and waited for the school doors to open.  Hudson stood confidently clutching his paper bag of school supplies.  But as the doors opened I saw the nervousness creep in.  Children and parents darted in and made their way to their classrooms.  I struggled to hold 2 little hands and supplies with no clue where I was going.  We followed the signs and found ourselves in the kindergarten hallway. 

We were the first there and a sweet teacher sensing my son's anxiousness, or perhaps just mine, crouched down to Hudson.  "Hi! My name is Mrs. R.  I'm a kindergarten teacher here, what's your name?" 

His eyes were huge.  His mouth gaped open, but no words came.  I nudged him.  "Hu-hu-Hudson." He stammered.  My sweet boy was more nervous than I'd ever seen him.  

She sweetly spoke and guided us to our teacher's room.  Another sweet voice introduced herself to him and his stiffness softened, "I'm Hudson Barker.  It's nice to meet you."   My confident boy was back.  

The next hour was full of a scavenger hunt designed to let each parent and child explore the classroom, organize supplies and thoroughly rattle and set every parent off their game.  Ok, so maybe not that last part, but with 22, 5 year olds, nervous parents and little siblings in tow, it was downright comical watching us attempt to follow in depth directions.  By the time it was all over, I just wanted to get out. So we left the class, explored a small amount, met his new speech teacher and dashed. 

I kept it together.  No tears. No show of anxiety to the kids  gushed feign excitement for how awesome this was and took deep breaths.  And I held it together.  

Well, until the kids were peacefully resting in their beds, I crawled into our covers and Dan turned out the light.  Then the tears came. 

So many questions. So many worries.  If only I could just keep him with me. If I could just stay with him the first day.  If only... 

I cried. for a long time. Too long.  And my poor, sweet "awake for 20 hours" husband talked me through it all.  

But, now it's 5am and I've given up, curled up in a chair with a cup of coffee and my bible.  Through prayer and quiet I realize, it's just another change, it's another step that I must face and I'll be so glad I have.  He has them.  And as I cried to Barks whining that I wanted to just be with them both every moment, he looked at me. 

"Aunt Brooke.  She's with them always.  And they have a whole troop of other loved ones looking after them."  

And he's right.  

They are ready.  They will be great.  I need to be, too. 

Let's do this!  I'm in. Let's enjoy this very last day of summer freedom!  

But I'm not giving up my right to cry.  

I'm stubborn like that. 









Comments

Popular Posts